Fast and bulbous, fast and bulbous…

With all this talking of planting, I can remember one day at the council years ago, myself and another guy (who’ll we’ll call Dave to protect his identity) were dropped off at an old peoples home in West London on a job. The work in question was to plant lots of clumps of Daffodil bulbs to give a “naturalised” effect amongst the flower beds and the large lawn.

So at just gone 8am with dibbers and tools at the ready, we were let onto the site by the foreman and he turned to us and said “as an incentive, once you get most of the bulbs in you can have an early lunch” knowing only too well the job would take us all day the amount we had to put in.

After the Foreman sped off into the Autumn morning sun in his council van, my workmate Dave, a very funny Northern guy who did like a doss (he said to me on his first day, “Alright mate, my names Dave, what’s the skive like?”) looked at me and said “I fancied a nice half day today” I could see he had a brainwave.

He proceeded to dig a hole, of about 2 foot square and 3 foot deep in front of the home’s back window where the OAP’s were sitting watching the telly. Then he grabbed the large half a hundred-weight bag of daffs and poured the hundreds of bulbs into the hole. As he refilled the hole and transferred the left over soil to the beds so no-one would suss his trick, he said to me “that’s going to give the old people a lovely show in the spring and me an early cut. Enjoy the rest of your day, mate” leaving me shellshocked as he trotted off towards the tube station and it weren’t even 9am! Council workers eh?

A trowel, a fork, a bottle and a cork…

So you’ve found your plot, windowsill, balcony or an old lady’s back garden and you’re ready to start, so you’ll be requiring some tools.

What you’ll need can range from anything as simple as an old spoon for the plants on the windowsill and a hand trowel and fork for the balcony.

For the full blown garden or plot (depending on how much preparation of the ground you have to do beforehand) you’ll ideally need most of the following but use what you can get your hands on first and work up from there.

  • Fork
  • Spade
  • Hand fork
  • Hand trowel
  • Secateurs
  • Hoe
  • Rake
  • Hosepipe, bucket or watering can
  • Old clothes
  • A kneeling pad (You’ll need one of them if you’ve got clicky knees like mine!)

If you really want to go the whole hog, get yourself some steel-capped boots and a donkey jacket with plastic patches on the arm and the name of a building firm in big letters on the back. Nice!

You can buy tools as cheap or expensively as you like, depending on your budget. DIY or gardening stores do quite decent ones at good prices. If you are doing it on the cheap, check places like the local flea market (like Brick Lane or Deptford), Amazon, eBay, Loot, Freecycle, skips, yard/garage sales or you could always put a card in your local supermarket/post office requesting old tools or even ask at a local allotment who might be able to point you in the direction of someone who’s getting rid of some gear.

My original set of tools came from the council when they were getting rid of some old stock. I transported a spade, fork, rake and an edging iron from the Harrow Road to Camberwell on a 36 Routemaster bus stuck in the hidey hole under the stairs where the conductor used to stand. The week before, using the same method, it was two 70’s council deckchairs which were pulled out of the skip at the yard.

Most of my present tools were a gift from our local “Portugese man with a van” in exchange for a couple of months of free rental of our garage. I recently got a fine pair of secateurs as a birthday present, and they are one of the things which are worth shelling out for, as a good pair will last you ages.

To get the best of your tools whatever they cost you, give them a good clean after use with a wet cloth or put under a tap and dried off with an old towel and also before putting in the shed/garage for winter, wipe the metallic parts over with some WD40 or oil for protection.

Now you’ve got the garden, you’ve obtained some tools, now what the hell do you put in it?